Self Love: Dateless
Another day, another Saturday, another day to wake up and say something positive that you LOVE about yourself. If you haven't done so... do it now!
Some of you are probably reading this and thinking... Dateless? Yup, you read that right...dateless. I was on a friends Instagram and she posted something about not like dating. Then it made me realize, I hadn't thought about dating since about May. I haven't gone a date in like 7 months! How sway!?!?!
I gave up dating.... Or should I say I actively put it on the back burner. Fact: I have put dating to the side many of times....and failed miserably, that is because I half-assed the action of doing so, knowing I was going to be right back on the dating sites. I would delete apps and the re-install them... delete them... and re-install them. I would be upset about not having gone on a date...like I did all those things. I will say this... lol, I spent a lot of 2016 dating and meeting guys and doing that dating life thing. It was exhausting, stressful, and I didn't feel like it was giving me any joy. I wanted it to give me joy.
I needed a boyfriend. That is the real truth. But I wasn't happy.
The start of 2017.. January. I met a great guy. This was after my first attempt to "give up dating". But I met a guy and we dates for a good 5 months. Until he told me he wasn't ready to do this "boyfriend girlfriend thing", that "he wasn't it good place to be in a committed relationship". He sat right on bed... after he had moved me into my apartment. At the time, he was the only constant thing I could cling to...because everything else in my life was a mess. He made me happy.... then he broke my heart. At the time it was the icing on the cake that made me feel my life was worthless.
WORTHLESS. I was worthless.
I AM NOT WORTHLESS. Never was and never will be. But that feeling is real. I realize after that. I won't date anymore. He had every right not to want to be in a relationship. His life. His journey. We all got them. I had to really reflect on where I WAS in that whole relationship and it took right back to. I wasn't ready. I'm not ready. Yet I still got right back on a dating site.. and paid for this one because "maybe if it is paid, a better selection of guys would be on there". All while I knew.. I wasn't ready. I.m not ready.
"Nikkie you need to really think if God is telling you if your your ready. Do you have YOURSELF prepared". That is what my mom would tell me (I paraphrased it). In a nutshell, that is what she would tell me every time a relationship didn't work for me. I really had to think about that and what it meant. I had to reflect on what was going on in my life...and if I had prepared myself to actually date. to put myself out there. To be honest... I hadn't. I still had some self esteem issues to deal with, i still had some self discovery to explore, I still needed to feel like it was OKAY not to be with anyone. I had to learn to be happy with ME. I had/have to get out of my head that is is okay to be in my 30's and single. That I need to be more excited for friends and family who get married, engaged, birth babies, in relationships with long time partners. To be honest, I use (and still have it in me) to be VERY resentful with that stuff, and that is not cool! I had to really start to get myself together! Hell.. I started going to restaurants by myself.. treating myself and that is okay. Going to parties and engagements alone.
I never thought I would be that person who needed a man. I still don't NEED a man. For me I needed an emotional partner. Someone I could share my feelings with. Frankly, I can do that with friends. When I started to give up dating, I wanted to build my relationships with my friends and family. I did just that... and I am doing that now. Let me tell you it is hard. It is hard for me to open up to people I know. I know crazy! But it is. I have 3 great lady friends that I keep on a group chat. They have been such a joy, inspiration, and great friends through this year.. I don't know if I would have gotten through my low time without them. Then my parental units, they are always the best people. My brother.. my freaking brother is the most talented person I know...he has been a rock for me as well. When you start to shift your focus to things that matter. Things that matter and bring you joy, you start to come more open to your journey.
So I am dateless. My focus is on things that matter. Me, my career, faith, family and friends. Dating, love, will fall into place. It may not be the thing I am focus on at this point in my season life. It is totally okay. It also doesn't mean my heart is closed off to it. it's not.
Not going to lie, it has nice not to sit it bed swiping back and forth..waiting for someone to call. Now I read, work on my business, talk to people on the phone, plan time with friends, doing a show, looking at taking some classes, like I feel more productive!
I often notice when people discuss dating and relationships or being single... people will say things like "Your tine will come". "Don't worry about, it will happen when it happens". Here is the things I know that. For me, my journey isn't about finding a person. It's about finding and connecting with yourself (me). Being dateless...is cool! It's been great!
So friends... let's do lunch?
- J. Vann